I Wonder
by Spiorad Fear
Summary: A series of musings that run through Finn and Puck's minds, musings that make them question themselves and the very nature of their friendship. M for language, heed of no likey. Third genre: Romance... x
1. I Wonder

**A/N: My first Pinn story. I started off as an avid Furt shipper, but this pairing just works somehow. Have fun, there probably won't be anything that you haven't read before, but hopefully the Pinn shippers will appreciate the effort.**

I Wonder…

I wonder how he thinks. Finn sat cross-legged on the floor of Puck's dark bedroom, his back against the hard, cold set of bedside drawers, his head turned to the left with heavy eyes. He had never really understood how his friend thought or how he perceived the world, and that was saying something; Finn probably knew Puck the best out of anybody, although still only fractionally. It was sad, in its way, intriguing in another. Puck liked to present the front of being the stupid, simple thug, probably because that was the easiest thing to be, but Finn knew better; he just couldn't access the deepest regions of Puck, like he was missing the last piece of the Mohawked puzzle.

I wonder why his bedroom's so scarce. Apart from the single bed with thin, plain deep blue sheets and the guitar proudly displayed in the middle of the bare furniture, there was not much else. The music was obviously the most important thing; the guitar was the only thing besides the bed not covered in a light dust, untouched. It was comforting to know that Puck always had the music at least, to help him articulate things in a way that he could and a way that he was so talented at as well. There was always that one thing to hold onto when he believed there to be nothing else.

I wonder how scared he is, really.He's the tough guy, that's one thing that Finn did know. It was Puck's job to be the tough guy, in any and every situation. Finn knew through his long experience with Puck, through the years that they had spent together playing with each other, growing up, being kids, that Puck could never be the sensitive one. Anyone could see that, fairly stereotypically, Puck's father leaving in the blaze of bitterness that he did had affected Puck immeasurably, but Finn bet that they wouldn't have guessed just _how_ he was affected; the distrust, the slamming of all open doors. The only way that Finn had survived the cull was due to their history, nothing more, and then Puck had never quite been the same.

That was why, after all, that Finn found himself sleeping on Puck's bedroom floor for the third Saturday in a row. Puck's mom had got a new boyfriend. This was not a rare occurrence, but it was rare for them to stay around for so long. Finn had spent years hanging in the background noise of Puck's house, so he knew the general vibe of his mothers' suitors, and it wasn't a great one; to say that they were heavy handed in pretty much every aspect was an understatement. Puck had used the excuse of simply wanting some bonding time initially, but both boys knew before these weekly visits even began that that line was a load of crap. They wouldn't talk about how the new mans presence was really effecting the already fragile dynamic of the residence, but Finn didn't have to talk, and he felt honoured, as he always did, that he was the one person allowed into Puck's severely small inner circle.

I wonder why he takes such punishment, he doesn't have to. If Puck wanted, he could be strong enough to leave his mess of a mother and never look back; he already had plans to leave Lima, eventually. But obviously, Finn remembered with a sigh, he couldn't leave Sarah, his little sister. Puck's protection was the only reason their mother's "boyfriends" didn't go on at her like they did him. He had no choice but to stay, and Finn felt a swell of pride for his gently snoring friend as he considered how much of a burden that he carried, all to save a wonderful little girl's optimism. Finn had offered Puck and Sarah sanctuary in the form of his sofa bed many times over the years, but Puck couldn't admit defeat; he would not be driven away from his childhood home. Although it was now the site of his pain and misery, Puck had had some good times there in the past, he couldn't give that up.

Puck turned in his sleep, his docile face becoming basked in the gentle moonlight that filtered its way in through the crack in the curtains. Puck had always been beautiful, ever since he was a young child, and Finn had always admired that about him. The way that the silvery bask glinted off of Puck's skin made Finn smile warmly, despite the hefty thoughts wading through his brain, disrupting the possibility of any sleep. Of course, it wasn't until recently when they had started at McKinley High that Finn truly understood the reasons behind his admiration, and that they may cause problems in the future but, for now, he was just going to enjoy the sensation. After all, you could never know, not for sure.

I wonder…


	2. Puckzilla Can Wonder Too

**A/N: So people reviewed my first chapter of this story and said that it was good enough to be a series, thanks guys. I'm not sure how far this is going to go, but I'm gunna enjoy it while it lasts. If you missed the first one, read it! It will set this up.**

Puckzilla Can Wonder Too… 

I wonder why the hell he puts up with me, I sure wouldn't. Puck stood and watched his best friend Finn; though he was loathe admitting it to his face. Finn knew how it was; he didn't need to tell him every day. So Puck simply stood and watched as his gangly, clumsy friend tripped his way around the Puckerman kitchen, trying his best at making scrambled eggs on toast. Puck couldn't understand why whenever Finn came to stay the night he would rise in the morning, appearing to have got no sleep at all. Ok, so that was a lie, Puck understood that Finn didn't sleep because he was worried, like the massive girl that he was. What Puck couldn't understand was why Finn worried so much.

I wonder why he takes this so seriously. Puck simply observed from the doorway, amused at how Finn dashed between the toaster and the frying pan, muttering something derogatory about eggs. Puck would normally cook for them after a sleep over, partly because it was to thank Finn for putting himself out, partly because he didn't like all his food tasting the same through burning, but he'd decided it was about time for Finn to learn a few tricks of the trade if he was ever going to live alone. Puck was comfortable enough with Finn to admit that he was flattered that Finn was so interested in his wellbeing; it was comforting to know that someone else besides Sarah, and his mom when she could focus, actually, truthfully gave a shit about him. However, there was being a friend and then there was being some kind of emotional sponge, trying to suck up all of the hurt and angst so that there was none left to pollute the water of the day. Finn was definitely the latter and it confused the hell out of Puck. According to his views of the world, no one should care that much, but Finn was trying his best to refute that idea.

I wonder how he is always ready to drop everything just to come over here and lay on my floor. Puck sat at the table following the muttered announcement that the breakfast was ready and tried his best to be nice. After all, this was the third weekend in a row that he had dragged Finn over, just because he was too much of an ass to deal with his own problems, but the eggs really weren't good.

"How long did you leave the eggs on for?" Puck asked calmly, washing the taste out of his mouth with a swig of orange juice, a smirk forming on his face as his mind whirled elsewhere.

"Well, I just kept them on for however long the toast took…" Finn trailed off, his eyes darting between the plates as he desperately tried to work out what had gone wrong. Puck waited for the realisation to hit Finn that the toast was black and that the eggs were as liquid as much as they were solid before giving his advice.

"You should always cook the eggs first, and then put the toast in when they're almost done, that way you aren't trying to keep up with the toast," Puck pointed out, his smirk becoming more prominent as he lifted the plates off of the table, "You sit there, I'll get us something else. You're getting better though," Puck added, trying to bolster Finn's spirits as the taller man's sleepy features drooped.

I wonder how I ended up with a friend like Finn, I definitely don't deserve it. As he busied himself at the counter, Puck looked out of his peripheral vision at how Finn was using the sit down time at the table to catch up on some much needed sleep, his face buried in his arms which were crossed under his heavy head. Puck deduced that the only reason why Finn could be so worried about him had to be because of what he had told him about his mother's latest conquest.

The problem with his mother was that although she was a wonderful parent in every other aspect, her choice in men was way off. She also had the track record of really digging her heels in if she was called on it, acting like a young, immature teenager. That being said, she had seen Kyle, the new boyfriend, hit Puck a couple of weeks ago and she actually seemed genuinely shocked. Before that, Puck had been adamant that she knew what was going on and just chose to ignore it and he really hated her for it, but after seeing her face in that one instant, Puck knew that Kyle was playing her as much as he was any other dynamic of the situation. She really didn't know what he was like; controlling, aggressively so, and relentlessly domineering.

His mother had talked severe words with Kyle, had even threatened him with throwing him out, just like that, like the last couple of months of cohabiting meant nothing to her. Since then Kyle had backed off substantially; he'd neglected to realise, Puck thought, how strong his mother was. She wasn't your stereotypical wounded woman, a pushover, a doormat that would ignore anything and everything a man did if it meant she could feel love again. Her kids definitely came first, and any discolour Puck felt for her had vanished instantly. Now though, now it was the quiet intimidation. The lurking around the room like a proud bear, like he had wondered in and won some kind of reductionist, evolutionary battle with Puck over dominance of the house and its residents. Puck obviously found it hilarious that a grown man could act so ridiculously, but at the same time, Kyle was terrifying with it; Puck wouldn't goad him, he'd simply wait it out until his mom came to her senses and ditched him completely.

Finn had been informed of all this when he'd successfully managed to catch Puck at his most lucid, much to Puck's self-annoyance, though it didn't take much more than Puck mentioning that Kyle had hit him before he had found himself with company that Saturday night, and the two following that. One thing that 'Kyle-the-big-man' wouldn't do was take on two tall, muscular football players by himself, especially when one of them has no emotionally invested reasons not to fight back, and after his mom's harsh words. As proud of his mom as Puck was, Finn's presence had probably been the key factor in keeping Kyle at arm's length, not the lashing of her tongue.

I wonder if he knows how much I appreciate him putting himself out like this, to make me feel safer whilst my mom wades her way through her shit. I wonder if he knows how much I can never repay him for just being here for Sarah to focus on, so that she doesn't realise how fucked up this house is.

"Thanks Finn," Puck said, setting down a fresh plate of eggs and bacon in front of the dozing mass that was Finn, who perked up at the mention of his name.

"Huh? What for?" Finn asked thickly, swallowing the sleep that was heavy in his throat.

"Come on dude, you know what for. For coming over three weeks in a row while this Kyle douche is walking around like he owns the fricken joint, and while I can't do any-fucking-thing about it," Puck said, heavy with malice at the mention of Kyle's name, stabbing a piece of bacon with his fork, "I should have said thank you earlier," he finished, stuffing the bacon violently into his mouth.

"That's fine. Dude, I get it. I get why you can't do anything and I get how much that sucks, but you're doing the right thing for Sarah, keeping violence out of the house, and as long as he's here I will be here every Saturday. No if or buts, Puck, I mean it," Finn said firmly as Puck's eyes rolled instinctively towards the ceiling at the closeness of the moment.

"You do remember that he's only hit me once right?" Puck asked, his question making him smile slightly at Finn's intensity, despite the murkiness of the situation.

"Maybe, but he's never doing it again," Finn said simply with a conviction which struck Puck dumb, for once. Finn raised his eyes and locked them onto Puck's still face, touched by the expression that he found there, which finally betrayed Puck's struggle with the alien feelings of helplessness that he was experiencing.

"You're not going soft on me are you dude?" Finn asked lightly, cutting through the moment for Puck's sake, "I don't think I could handle it if my best friend started to _feel_ things!" he finished, dripping with sarcasm. Finn put on a fake shudder that he knew would gain a response, and relished the curling of Puck's lip as he squared up to the challenge.

"Never, Hudson. I might be in a dip right now, but I'm getting sick of it," Puck said as he punched Finn's shoulder across the table. Both boys chuckled, the tensions of the past three weeks seeming to ease.

"I mean it Puck. You're my best friend dude, I worry about you," Finn cleared his throat, refocusing on his plate.

"I know," Puck sighed, rolling his eyes once again, unyielding to his mutual, swelling feelings of camaraderie.

I do wonder though, why you worry so much…


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: If anybody is following this story, I'm sorry that this update has taken as long as it has. Needless to say, I hate A Level exams; they are too hard and are stupid. Anyway, rant over; please enjoy reading this as I have relished finally writing it. Thanks.**

Chapter 3

At the beginning of the year, Finn Hudson had started his sophomore year of high school, along with Puck. As a freshman, it hadn't taken him long before he had managed to assert himself well within McKinley High. When he first joined the school, he had become the first freshman in thirteen years to be appointed the position of quarterback, earning him a fast lane to respect amongst the guys, and he had always harboured potential for the girls to be interested in him, though that he didn't fully understand.

His sophomore year had begun much the same way, with him still strongly cemented in the football team and with him finding high school thankfully easy. It had to be said though, throughout his relatively slick success, Finn had always felt that he was missing something, and that something was actual friends. Sure, the football team were alright, and obviously he had Puck as he had always, but being instantly popular in high school leads to, if you aren't careful enough to filter them out, being swiftly surrounded by fakers.

That was why Finn had been so happy when Mr Schuester had started up the glee club earlier this year. Rachel, bless her, had mentioned it to him randomly one day as he walked down the hallway as another attempt on her part to coerce Finn into a conversation. He felt bad, but it wasn't like he had led her on; he didn't even know who she was beforehand, but he simply felt that he didn't have sufficient motive yet to tell her that it wasn't going to happen; he didn't want to seem big-headed if he was mistaken. The one thing that people had questioned him on last year was why he didn't take up any offers from the girls, and he was flattered to admit that he did receive quite a few, but he just wasn't interested and in the end, they simply stopped asking. Finn had known his true self since the very first time he saw Puck in his football uniform, something had just clicked, and now he was sure. He only hadn't told people because, to be honest, he didn't know how to; that and the fact that everyone knew gays weren't the most popular of people at school age. After all, he was lucky enough not to be forcibly outed by camp mannerisms; if everyone was happy enough to think that he was completely straight, then why rock the boat? It wasn't like he was bursting at the seams to announce himself; there was only one man he wanted, and he was almost just as certain that that was a no-go. Therefore, he was happy as he was.

Rachel's mention of the glee club that day had intrigued him though, and he was ashamed to admit that he had abused Rachel's attraction for him, just slightly, for information.

It hadn't taken long before he and Puck were singed up. As children, they had always enjoyed singing as Puck skilfully accompanied them with his guitar. As it happened, they were both actually very good singers. They knew that the football guys would give them some hassle for joining the glee club. Apparently it wasn't masculine enough for them (though Finn would have loved to of seen any of them call Springsteen a sissy), but they soon put a stop to that by forcibly reminding them of who they were, and they quickly backed down.

That was when Finn discovered what it was like to have more than one friend. The glee club were all wonderful people, and it hurt Finn how they would be treated sometimes. As far as he was concerned, simply being in a wheelchair or being Asian or being quieter than average didn't mean that you could be treated like crap, and so he tried to stop that too, not too much avail unfortunately. It was funny; he had even made really good friends with Rachel, what with sharing the lead vocals with her all year. She had actually been really cool when he had told her that he wasn't interested in her, and then things had got even better from there. He had true friends, he was still on top, now in two worlds instead of one and above all, he was still enjoying being inseparable from Puck.

The one person that had interested Finn the most when he entered the glee club was one Kurt Hummel. He had seen Kurt around school the previous year and he had often wondered about him. He had wondered, but he hadn't tried to understand; there was such stigma surrounding Kurt with regards to the football team that Finn didn't feel comfortable with him. Kurt represented the day to day trouble that Finn himself would undoubtedly have to suffer if he ever decided to reveal himself one day whilst still at school, so he remained an enigma. However, now that they were in glee club together, Finn could safely interact and he found Kurt to be the most engaging person. What had to be the best thing about Kurt was how open and gentle he was; the gentlest of souls, open to new people, open in most aspects really and Finn found that amazing considering the turmoil of high school that so obviously resulted from being so unreserved. In the end, after many heart felt attempts, Finn couldn't get the football team to stop harassing Kurt, but he promised to keep trying and, besides Puck, Kurt quickly became Finn's new best friend. It was intriguing to Finn to spend time with Kurt, a friend more similar to him than any other in one way, and his polar opposite in another.

_**I Wonder…**_

The football season may be over, but that didn't mean that the team didn't train, and for that Puck was truly thankful. It was just what his mentality needed, to put the beat down on some loser to let his demons loose, demons that unfortunately could not scathe who they truly hated. Nevertheless, no matter how hard he hit, he felt like a wimp. He felt damaged, and it was becoming infuriating. As much as he appreciated Finn spending three consecutive weekends at his house, it felt like he needed reinforcements whilst Kyle didn't, and although Finn was trying to burn it into him that it was alright to need support, Puck couldn't quite accept that yet. He was losing the fight. The plan to simply outwait Kyle wasn't working. Action needed to be taken.

It was almost three months now that the moron had been hanging around, scouring away Puck's home life. That would mean that if Finn stopped over this weekend, as he was absolutely adamant was the case apparently, then that would be a whole month of leaning on another dude for aid that he should have been able to provide for himself. He needed to sort this out himself before it went further, which was one massive plus of glee club actually. Puck had never bought in to the idea that singing and performing was queer; he had always seen it for what it was which was plain, damn, cool. Puck had always quietly understood the intricacies of music, the power that it had to create or destroy, and because of that he crafted his guitar over the years into a kickass chalice of emotion; it always saw him through. So thank God for Finn and his crazy scheme of joining glee; Puck could use it when football and physicality just wasn't enough to feel better, and he didn't have to admit that it was his idea. As internally awesome as he was, he couldn't lose his reputation, it was too useful.

"You alright man?" Finn came bounding over from finishing his drill station and Puck realised that he'd been standing and staring for quite a while.

"Huh? Oh, yeah man, just looking forward to glee. Got the perfect song, you know? Going over it in my head," Puck smiled, his appreciation of Finn's surprising vision fresh in his mind.

"Make it good, looking forward to it!" Finn exclaimed as he patted Puck's shoulder and dashed away to the locker room, Coach Tanaka's pointless yelling filling the air.

_**I Wonder…**_

_Your backs against the wall, _

_There's no one home to call,_

_You're forgetting who you are,_

_You can't stop crying._

He felt good. For the first time in weeks Puck felt _really_ good. Mr Schue had been pushing him to stretch himself and to show off his voice, so that the club could see what he could really do. At first Puck thought the teacher was a bit too sappy, but when it came to music he did know what he was talking about. The very next step would be to show Kyle what he could do, and as each guitar chord vibrated through his core, Puck knew that he would be able to.

_It's part not giving in,_

_And part trusting your friends,_

_You'll do it all again,_

_And I'm not lying._

Puck belted out the words, inclining towards Finn in the front row, a wide grin growing across his face. Finn blushed as he recognised Puck's masked thank you, disguised by the explosive power of his song choice. Finn was elated as he watched his reinvigorated friend pacing up and down the choir room. For the first time in months, Finn felt like the spirit of his old friend actually inhabited its shell once again.

_Standing in the way of control,_

_Go live your life,_

_Survive the only way that you know, know._

The choir room erupted in applause as Puck struck his guitar for the last time, sweat of effort running down his forehead. Mr Schue bounded up to him, extending a warm hand out to the spent performer who returned the vigorous handshake, although he was far more interested in the proud nods that Finn was directing towards him.

I wonder why he's giving me that smile, that douchey one he gets when he finds something sweet, or emotional, the massive girl.

"Now that's what I'm talking about when I say passion guys!" Mr Schue laughed as he clapped Puck on the back, "Who were you singing that to?" Mr Schue carried on, his gusto making him miss the slight falter in Puck's grin; a falter that Finn picked up on all too readily.

"Oh, err, no one. Nah, I just felt that song was kickass, so…" Puck stammered towards Mr Schue, twisting as to remove his guitar, and to reconfigure his features.

"Well, alright then," Mr Schue accepted as Puck took his seat next to Finn who happily gave him a friendly pat on the arm, "Nonetheless, I think we know who's singing male 2nd lead at sectionals!" Mr Schue finished, starting off another round of applause as the rest of the club offered their congratulations in the forms of a few kind words or a friendly nudge. Even Kurt and Artie who seemed slightly deflated at the revelation that the 2nd lead position had apparently been filled gave their kudos.

Such gracious shows of sportsmanship would normally have made Finn even happier, but this time he was too focussed on watching Puck out of the corner of his eye as he thanked the rest of the club. That song was not just a song as Puck had stated. Puck could get away with that with the rest of the club; they had not known Puck for very long in comparison. Finn knew that that song had meant something very important.

I wonder what the hell he's planning…

**Song: Standing In The Way of Control, Gossip**


End file.
